Messing With Jasper
by ItsJasperWhitlock
Summary: Bella and Emmett call in reinforcements to help cheer Jasper up after Alice leaves to "find herself". Rated T for odd situations.
1. Basic Trailways

******************** This is the new one ************************

Ch. 1

(Basic Trailways)

Bella's POV

"NO!" Jasper roared from the top floor of the house.

I giggled leaning into Edward and looking at Emmett from across the living room. Emmett just grinned back and mouthed "the stairs". I looked toward the stairs and sure enough Jasper was stomping his way down in his boots.

Things had been getting kind of strange around this house for a while. After Alice left to "find herself". Jasper had been dressing himself and I have to say I liked it. His wardrobe consisted of less V-Neck sweaters and slacks and more jeans, button up shirts, and boots. It was a pleasant surprise to see that he hadn't sunken in on himself like some weaklings I know…myself.

"What's wrong Jazzy?" Emmett asked Jasper with a taunting smile.

"Where is it, _Emmy?_" Jasper snarled back.

Edward's lips turned up a little on the corners and he looked down at me while taking my hand in his. I leaned against him to my right.

"Whatever do you mean, brother?" Emmett was honestly instigating him now.

"My cell phone, ya' dunce!"

Emmett let out a screech and started rubbing his nipples. Jasper turned to us and asked Edward if he knew where it was. Edward told Jasper he had no idea. When Jasper left back upstairs Edward told Emmett to stop rubbing his "Nips" because it was inappropriate in front of me. I just smiled and leaned to my left.

"Beeeeeep! Please call back or dial again."

Edward looked at me with startled eyes. "No you didn't."

"Didn't what?" I asked him innocently. He just let it be but Emmett's eyes lit up.

"Bella, we need to talk later. In fact, I think I'll take you home right now and Edward can stop by after we're finished talking if that's alright with you?"

"That's fine, Emmett. I've been meaning to talk to you too." I smiled at my almost-older-brother.

"Great. Let's go." Emmett grabbed my hand with his enormous one and half dragged me out to his jeep. When we were almost to the main road again he looked at me.

"So, you're pranking Jasper, are you?" he asked.

"Um, yeah but don't tell him. That'll ruin the whole fun of it." I told him.

"No, no. I wouldn't do that. Hell, this could be just what he needs after all. I mean, what with Alice going to find her true spirit or whatever shit she said. The Jazz Man could use a picker upper." His booming laugh filled the jeep and bounced off the windows and seemingly went straight to my ears.

"Exactly. I'm just trying to cheer a guy up, right? No biggie."

"Excellent. So can I help you with the jokes to play on Jasper? I've known him longer and I know what makes him tick and what to just plain stay away from."

"Well, that could be beneficial and I wouldn't want to push him too far. I just want to mess with him a little. Edward would never help and it'd be nice to have an inside man so…yeah. Emmett you're in." I thought aloud.

"Should we have a team name or something? If we need a name I say we use the name "Basic Trailways". _What?_

"_Basic Trailways?_ Emmett where the hell did you come up with that? It sucks. What, do we run a bus company?"

"You got something better, Bella?" Emmett challenged.

"Yes. How about "Innuendos" since we use them so much and when we think of a good idea to brainstorm on we can say that it's a band that we love. We can say "Hey, Innuendos has a new song. You want to hear it?" Then nobody would know we're plotting against Jasper and we can get away to plot against Jasper." He admitted it was a good plan.

"Fine, but I get to pick out our secret operative names. Okay?"

"Sure."

"Great, so I'll be 'Calm Lemon' and you can be 'Twisted Ankle'."

"Emmett."

"Okay, fine. You can be 'B Swizzle'. That's a combination of Bella and Swan."

"Clever. We wont actually need these names will we?"

"Only if we have walkie talkies." By the smile on his face I could tell he intended to in fact get us walkie talkies.

"Okay Bella, remember to play it cool with Edward and I'll keep him out of my head until this is all over." He said as we pulled up to my house.

"By Emmett!" I called to him as I got out. When he drove away waving I walked into my house think about how grateful I was that he was the only one in the family who didn't drive like a maniac when I was in the car. I walked upstairs to my room and put Jasper's cell phone in my underwear drawer knowing nobody besides myself would ever be going in there so I didn't even bother to hide it just putting it on top of my socks next to my panties and bras.

The next day I called Emmett from my house phone and told him I'd thought of another good one. Within a few minutes Edward was at my door saying that Emmett let him know I wanted to spend the day with him again at his house. So far the plan was going as well…planned.

We arrived at the house and Edward turned to me and said "So Love, what would you like to do today?"

"Um, well I wanted to play a game with you, Jasper and Emmett." He looked at me like I was crazy.

"Jasper is out this morning but perhaps Emmett might want to play." He offered up. I smiled.

"Hell yeah I want to play!" Emmett barreled down the stairs yelling.

"Oh, Emmett! Would you?"

"Of course. What are we playing Bella?"

I looked at Edward and said "Hide and Seek".

Edward smiled at me and said "Reliving childhood games, Bella?" Well crap. He thought I was reminiscing. This is part of the plan. Emmett said if Edward questions to make him feel sorry for me so I said, "I didn't have any friends to play hide and seek with when I was a kid". Then as Emmett planned I gave him "The Eyes".

"Absolutely Love. We'll play! Right Emmett?" He gave Emmett a pointed look and Emmett immediately agreed.

After playing the game of Hide and Seek, I was proud that Emmett and I had tricked Edward and everything! Edward dropped me off at home but couldn't spend the night because he needed to hunt and Jasper's boots were in the back of my closet. Emmett made Edward hide with him in every room of the house before I could find them and even Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie's scents were all over. Any evidence as to who took the boots was perfectly destroyed and now all we had to do was wait.

After a perfect night of sleep, I went over to Edward's home again and sat down on the couch with Esme watching the food network on TV.

"GODDAMN!" Jasper yelled from the top floor.

"Jasper Whitlock Hale! You watch the mouth of yours, young man!"

"Sorry Esme." Jasper said.

I smiled and returned my attention to the TV again.

********** What do you guys think so far? ***************

**Let me know if you like it or not please! Reviews make me happy. Jasper's Cell Phone if you review! Haha. xoxoxo**


	2. MOM!

**Thank you twilightaholic7. This one is for you. ;D**

**(MOM!)**

It had been a few weeks since Emmett and I stole Jasper's boots and cell phone. I was pretty sure that when we finally did give them back to him they'd probably smell like me so much that he'd have to breathe all over them if he ever wanted them to smell like him ever again which was pretty funny if you really think about it. It's a really amusing mental image.

Jasper had become quickly suspicious of Emmett because Emmett's emotions were in a constant state of mischief. Mine however where much worse. I guess he just thought I was keeping something from Edward because he never once blamed me for the missing things. The last time I was over at their house he kept looking at me as if trying to say _You can tell me._ Well I would but that would just ruin the fun so sorry, Jasper.

Today I was at the Cullen home early but there was no Edward here. Just Emmett and Jasper were at home and currently I was sitting on the couch watching them play Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. How these boys could possibly enjoy this I didn't know, but after weeks and weeks of watching this I had picked up a few things. If you were on a mission of any sort, you should never just wing it. I guess I should have learned this lesson long ago, but apparently not because it came as a shock to me when Edward caught me trying to sneak into Emmett's jeep for my jacket after "listening to Innuendos" with Emmett for 2 straight hours.

Another lesson I learned is: if you're gonna wing it, it's all or nothing and you have to be fast. This one was kind of just an obvious thing. When you don't have a plan you're actions have to be quick which Emmett actually did know because he told me that's how he got around Alice's visions for so long. Emmett is the best big brother ever.

Jasper was pretty clueless as to who had his stuff, but he was pretty sure it was Emmett. There came a day when Emmett and I were at a close one and Jasper came home while we were in his room looking for something minor but majorly annoying to have to keep replacing. He still didn't have his boots or cell phone and refused to replace them since he "knew" Emmett had his them somewhere. We decided to just take his comb and stuck it in Emmett's back pocket and jetted out of there before the scents could settle.

After a week of not brushing his hair he looked and acted slightly crazy. There was nobody to blame anymore.

"Can't find anything anymore." Jasper muttered. I walked over towards him in the kitchen.

"What cant you find, Jasper?" I asked making him twitch slightly. No. Way. Jasper doesn't lose his focus. That just never happens.

"Bella. Bella, I know you know. You _have_ to know. Where is my comb? Where are my boots? Where is my cell phone?" He asked with his hair looking like he just rode on the outside of a rocketship to the moon and back.

"Jasper you know I'd never lie to you" I told him and his face brightened slightly. "I have no idea where your things are. Maybe you should look for them."

His eyes closed and he rocked back and forth on his feet. "MOM!"

"Gotta go, Jasper" I said as I hurried through to the next room and sat on the couch and watched Emmett play his game while listening to Jasper and Esme who had just appeared at the kitchen entryway.

"Yes, dear?" Esme said in her kind, mom voice.

"My hair." Jasper said in a sad voice.

"It's big, my dear." She said.

"What do I do?"

"Let's get Rosalie. She's perfect at performing miracles." Esme suggested in an optimistic tone.

Rosalie walking down the stairs at a leisurely pace and threw a look my way that I would never like to see again and looked at Jasper.

Awkward silence ensued.

Still, she says nothing.

The lights are on but nobody's home.

Rosalie looks at Emmett and starts laughing. Hard. It sounds like bells and it's beautiful. I've never seen her in this type of mood. She is suddenly filled with mirth and even I can enjoy her joys.

Emmett laughs right along with her and I press my hand over my mouth so as not to laugh at Jasper with them and Rosalie takes him into the kitchen more so that she can get to work and by the end his hair looks really great. It's not overly done but its not hectic. He looks perfectly careless and it's awesome.

He just walks upstairs after muttering "Thanks" and doesn't come out of his room for the rest of the night.


	3. Prettier Than You

**So, I'm a teeny tiny bit late but that's okay because I have a good excuse. I was lazy and ….. that's pretty much it. Sorry. Hey, Happy Halloween guys. =]**

(Prettier Than You)

Oh, dang it. Every time I think Emmett can't get any more brilliant or funny for that matter, he just plain proves me wrong. How in the worl he comes up with this stuff I suppose I'll never know. Maybe there's a technique to driving people insane that I should learn or maybe this was what he thrived at as a human and rather than his strength, pranking people was his actual power or ability. Maybe the strength was just a coincidence.

It was just Emmett, Rosalie, and I in the living room while everyone hunted when Emmett looked at me. Once. Twice. Then on the third time I couldn't take it anymore and said, "WHAT?"

"Well I was just thinking." Emmett's thoughts plus his vampiric abilities almost always equals trouble.

"What were you thinking?"

"We might need somebody to help us." Possibly, but I'd wait until I could hear exactly who he had in mind.

"Help you with what?" Rosalie asked in her bell-like voice looking at Emmett suspiciously.

"Well….um…Bella?" Way to throw me to the wolves…I mean..the Rosalie.

"Emmett and I are pranking Jasper, Rosalie. I hope you don't mind." I said to her hoping I'd wake up tomorrow morning.

Her eyes lit up and she breathed, "I _knew_ it. I KNEW IT!"

"Will you help, Rosie?" Emmett asked her hopefully.

"Under one condition."

"Yes?" He asked.

"Bella and I have a truce. Our fighting stops and we get secret operative names." She said looking at me.

"Of course, Rosalie. Friends?" I asked?

"Sisters." She winked. Emmett pulled us both into a hug and muttered "Finally".

"Well it just so happens, Rosie baby, that Bella and I already have secret operative names. She's B Swizzle and I'm Calm Lemon."

"Nice. What should my name be?"

"Prettier Than You" I responded. She smiled.

"I'll take it" she said. "Now, we should think about this logically. If there's anything I learned from Jasper over the years is that strategic planning comes in handy all the time."

"Beautiful _and_ smart. I'm one lucky guy." Emmett said then kissed Rosalie's hand.

"If strategic thinking is what we need, who do we know that could help us with that?" I wondered.

"Well that's simple." Emmett stated as if it were obvious which it wasn't. Rosalie just looked at him as if to say _well then let us know too._ "Peter".

Rosalie hissed a "_Yesss._" I remember hearing about Peter. He was Jasper's brother from the Southern Wars. If anybody knew Jasper it would be Peter.


	4. Is Carlisle Okay?

**Hi there. =] Im late as usual but this is hopefully gonna make up for it and the next chapter will be ON TIME! I promise!**

(Is Carlisle okay?)

The arrival of Peter was like nothing I could have ever imagined. If I thought one Emmett was too much I don't think I could have gotten through the first two days of Peter's visit. Upon arriving, unannounced to the Cullens and actually to Rose, Emmett and I, Peter and his beautiful wife Charlotte walked right through the front door and Peter just shrugged and said "I had a feeling I should visit."

Charlotte immediately hugged Esme and assured her she'd only hunt out of state and only criminals and that I was safe as could be around both her and Peter. Edward of course didn't agree and almost made me leave the house with him stating that he didn't want to chance anything.

"Now hold up there, Eddie Mac. Isabella's just fine being around us and if she can't be with her family then we'll stay elsewhere." Peter said in a strong, commanding voice. With that, Edward stopped his protest and looked down at my shoes.

"I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to suggest that you shouldn't be around us or that The Whitlock's were dangerous." I just smiled at him and he turned to Peter and Charlotte. "I apologize to you both as well. It was insensitive of me to say that." Charlotte smiled and Peter gave him the finger which made Rosalie and even Carlisle chuckle.

Peter looked at Jasper and said, "Well?" and held his arm out for a bro-hug. When Jasper got up to hug him, Peter dropkicked Jasper into the kitchen. "That's for not calling. Now come on over for the real deal." He held his arm up again.

This time, Jasper cautiously stepped over and fist bumped Peter, deciding against the hug or possible second dropkick. I laughed then and Charlotte stepped closer to me and said "This is usually how their reunions go." I smiled at her then, she seemed alright and easy to talk to.

After Peter and Char went up to their guest room of the house and the Cullen's went to their respective preferred past times it was just Rose, Jasper, Peter, Char, and I in the kitchen discussing when I'd be turned. Rose was a bit sad but she warmed up to the idea which was a gift from God. Jasper, Peter, and Char were sure that it would need to be within the next 4 months so that meant I had exactly 4 months to prank Jasper.

I know it seems weird that instead of talking to family I'd miss, or doing things I won't be able to ever again, I was pranking Jasper but I guess it just didn't sit well with me that despite his human drinking family's presence he was still upset and I thought I could do something about it. If I didn't try to help I'd feel guilty knowing I was happy when I culd have helped him to be happy too.

Peter nudged my foot under the table and I looked at him, but he was looking at Rosalie, who was looking at Char, who was looking at Jasper, who was looking confusedly back at me.

"What are we missing?" he asked me. No, no, no. You're the only one missing it.

"I haven't the slightest idea." I told him. Deny, deny, deny. That's what Emmett told me to do.

"Well I'm not gonna sit here, not knowing what the hell's going on. See you guys later." He left then back upstairs and Peter leaned in and breathed in my ear, "I found this great new band called Innuendos and I wanted to know if you'd like to listen to it with Emmett, Rose, Char, and I?" I grinned and nodded. He smiled then and led the way to Emmett's jeep where Emmett was already sitting. As we all piled into his jeep I asked, "Hey, Emmett? Where's Edward?"

"He's in Seattle trying to figure out where Alice is."

"Oh." I dropped it. It was a touchy subject around here.

"Enough of this fuckery. Let's get some things settled." Peter said. "Firstly, I moved some of Jasper's things around in his room and then Esme went in there so I think her scent should mask mine since I was swift. Second, if we're working with a Bella we'll have to use her advantage against Edward. Thirdly, if Jasper finds out me and Char only came to visit to fuck with him he'll be on ya'll like white on rice."

"This whole thing was my idea, Peter. Rose said we needed a strategy and Emmett said you were the best one to ask that of considering if anyone knew Jasper, it'd be you. So far, I've got his cell phone, boots, and comb. What we need is what's next and how we're going to get it."

"Well that's easy, Pumpkin. You gotta take the keys to his motor cycle." My eyes widened, but Char looked at Peter like he was a genius so that's how I got landed with RECON DUTY as Peter put it.

Peter was downstairs in the living room with Jasper and Char, Emmett and Rose were stationed in their room, and I was making my way up to "Edward's Room" to look for my sweater that I lost. Peter's plan was to distract Jasper downstairs, if that didn't work his backup, Char, came in to help. While they did that, I was to go into Jasper's room and get the keys. After that was finished, Emmett and Rose mask my scent and go into Jasper's room. With the keys in my pocket I go down to distract Jasper with my found sweater and Peter goes to mix his scent in with Emmett and Rose's.

Two hours later, I was home and putting the key's in one of Jasper's boots when a wrap on my window scared the holy ghost right out of me. When I looked it was Charlotte with a huge smile on her face. I opened the window for her and she jumped right in.

"Bella! That was awesome. You should have seen Jasper's face. I thought he'd kill somebody. He really did get a good one on Carlisle, though.." she said thoughtfully.

"What? Char, what are you talking about? What happened?"

"Well, Jasper came thunderin' down the stairs about 20 minutes ago and got all up in Edward's face and said 'You better give them back if you want to live'. Then Carlisle came up behind him and grabbed his arm and said 'Son, what has gotten into you?' but Jasper wasn't expecting to be touched so he whipped around all fast like and put Carlisle in a headlock. Then Esme started moving about and flailing her arms about yelling 'Stop it! Stop it!' Edward regained control of his mouth again and said 'What the hell are you doing?' Peter shoved Jasper off of Carlisle into Emmett and Emmett steadied him. Then Jasper ducked outta' Em's hold and decked Edward and Ed screamed. Then Carlisle brushed himself off and apologized to Jasper about coming up unexpectedly and Jasper said 'Where are my keys?' He ran down the stairs and into the kitchen and threw open cabinets trying to find them and Edward was all 'Jasper, no! That's Bella's food!' Then Jasper threw Minestrone soup at him and left and now here I am."

I blinked. "Is Carlisle okay?"

"Yeah." She smiled.

"Okay." Then I went to bed and Char went back to the Cullen's place.


	5. Peter, Dont Go There, Dear

**Today is my little brother's 14****th****! Yay, Christian! (I'm only 15 though..haha)**

**Sorry I've failed you once again.. =[ sorry. I'll update before Jan 3 because I'm on BREAK! **

**(Peter, Don't Go There, Dear)**

"No, _you're_ mother is a cotton-headed ninny muggings!"

"_ESME!_"

"Peter, don't go there, dear." Esme said to Peter in warning.

Jasper and Peter were so competitive. It was _awesome! _They were constantly trying to find some way to one-up the other. Today, they take on the Nintendo Wii. It was absolutely hilarious to hear the things they had been saying back and forth to get under eachother's skin.

Esme had gone grocery shopping for me even though I assured her she didn't need to and Edward was still 'Good Alice Hunting' as Emmett liked to call it, a knockoff of 'Good Wilt Hunting' I'm sure, whereas Jasper liked to call it "Huntin' Bitches'. Personally, these days, I tended to agree with that assessment. Who leaves there mate to go look for something impossible to find? Alice, and now that I think about it Edward too.

I had come to resent his choice to look for her without asking me if I'd be okay with it or at the very least saying good bye. My vocabulary contained a few more swear words and there was usually nobody around to reprimand me as that was usually Edward's job. His abrupt departure being the last straw made me unsure where we stood anymore. To leave him, or not to leave him? That is the question.

Anyways, while Esme was out and about, Peter had challenged Jasper to a game of Wii Sports. Of course, Jasper being Jasper needed to prove that he was better than Peter and accepted. The rain poured down in buckets on the glass windows and set the house in a slightly dimly lit aura as the competition started.

Peter and Jasper had created the Mii's and Emmett put on his mix CD. Listening to Eminem's "Ass Like That" the games began as Peter set the game to play tennis. Their constant stream of insults starting out G-Rated quickly becoming Rated R.

The tennis game started out on a light note. Jasper said to Peter, "You're tennis skills are terrible. I smirk at you from across the room." And Peter responded, "Fine, then you dumb little jerk. Let's play baseball."

Their baseball game has been going on for about 4 hours now. The game only allows 3 innings but the keep playing and playing to see who will have the most wins by midnight and I intend to watch it all.

"You suck monkey balls." Peter informed Jasper.

"You're the load your mother should have swallowed."

"You're a piece of shit."

"You need to control your wife. She's always all over me."

"SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH!"

"Temper, temper. That could cost you the game Peter." Jasper said as he pitched the last winning strike which ended the 3 inning game 13 to 10.

"Fuck you, Jasper. Again." Peter restarted another game and they continued again.

Peter pitched and stuck out Jasper for the first 2 outs, but Jasper started hitting home runs left and right starting the game off at 4 to 0 in the first inning.

"You play ball like a girl!" Jasper said. "No offense, ladies." He added looking at Char, Rose, and me. Charlotte just waved her hand and smiled.

"Yeah? Well you married a bitch!" Jasper dropped his remote. All I could think was 'awkward turtle'….

Peter stopped playing. "I'm sorry, that was too much."

"Drop that remote." Jasper said and Peter did. The Jasper stepped on it affectively crunching it and kept playing.

While Peter reconnected a new remote, the score went up in Jasper's favor putting the numbers 14 to 5 in the 2nd inning. "I divorced her." Then they resumed play and Charlotte nudged me. She gave me a look and then the code. The look I didn't understand but the code I understood all to well.

Peter's challenge was to distract Jasper all day while we stole from him. That made sense. Charlotte and I headed up the stairs in a calm manner and headed to Edward's closet. Putting on as much of his clothes as we possibly could to mask our scents we walked into Jasper's room as calmly as we could so he wouldn't realize anything and stop the game. Charlotte pointed to a few different things that we could possibly take. The game chair? No. The guitar? Yeah. Then she pointed at the mattress and I mouthed 'How are we gonna manage that?' She just smirked and handed me the guitar which was zipped safely in the case and moved to the bed.

Downstairs we heard the game get louder and Peter and Jasper started yelling. Emmett was roaring out a laugh and Rose was screaming 'That's bullshit!'. Charlotte and I got back to Edward's room and she jumped out of his window with the mattress and came back 15 minutes later and grabbed to guitar and was back quicker that time. I wondered where she put the mattress. It was too big for my closet, wasn't it? She giggled and stripped of the layers of Edward clothes and threw them behind his sofa because who wants to hang up laundry? Nobody, that's who.

That's around the time when Esme came home from grocery shopping and Edward walked in with her.

"Love, I missed you." He said coming over to me and gave me a hug and kissed my forehead. "Yeah…I missed you too.." Jasper stopped playing to look at us. He looked at me and resumed play. The insults were back on but Edward insisted I go to the kitchen with him while Esme cooked because it had been "far too long since he'd seen me". That's not my fault.

He didn't even talk to me at all while we were in the kitchen. He just sat next to me at the counter and ran his fingers through his messy ass hair. I'm getting so sick of this.

Jasper walked in the kitchen and gave Esme a hug. Then he grabbed a can of tomato paste and said. "Are you okay, Darlin?"

"Yeah, what's the tomato paste for?"

"Peter has to eat it. Want to watch?"

"Hell yeah."

"No. She will not be watching _your _brother eat tomato paste. That's disgusting. Bella, do not swear." Edward said.

"If Bella wants to watch Peter eat paste she can." Jasper defended.

"She will not be going to see that riff raff eat _paste_." Jasper looked offended and flipped Edward off then walked away.

I didn't know what to do as Esme just kept making my dinner with her mouth in a thin line so I did the only thing my mind could register. I gave Edward the finger and followed Jasper.

Peter was being held down by Emmett on one arm and Char and Rose on the other. Jasper was smirking as he opened the can with his nails and Peter looked mildly afraid and very disgusted. There was a thump in the kitchen but nobody paid any attention to Edward's antics.

Just then Carlisle walked in from his shift at the hospital. "Oh, pranking Peter are we?" he asked. Everybody but Peter just smiled and nodded. "Carry on, then" Carlisle said hanging his coat up and walking into the kitchen.

Jasper put the open end of the cylinder of paste into Peter's mouth and squeezed the can flat. Peter choked and made a strange noise that sounded like 'muffucka' and we all just laughed at him.

"C'mon, babe. Swallow." Charlotte said.

Peter did as he was told and fell to his knees. Rose and Char danced and Jasper put his arm across my shoulders and we laughed as Emmett imitated Peter.


	6. Papa's Getting Lucky

**My charger was in NYC and I WASN'T! Don't hate me please! I haven't forgotten you guys OR my stories! **

**This one's for ****heathermea****for letting me know I'm still wanted even though I've literally been letting you guys down for like a year now. **

**(Papa's Getting Lucky)**

"This is _literally _the BIGGEST LOAD OF SHITI have ever had the misfortune of knowing!" yelled Jasper.

"What?" I asked as I turned to look at my new best friend. "Something missing again?"

"No! Well, yes…but what I'm talking about is _this_ little **shit**." He said pulling Edward out of the kitchen and throwing him onto the floor.

"I will _not_ be manhandled by you, you fiend!" Edward said in his stupid Edward voice.

"Shut your mouth!" Jasper said and Edward promptly did so.

"What's wrong with Edward today Jasper?" I asked.

"He _sucks._"

"You're vampires."

"He _stole_ my **bed**!"

"That's preposterous!" Edward exclaimed.

I thought this was incredibly funny actually knowing fully well that Edward would probably get the ass kicking of the century from Jasper for something I did. Note to sexy self: do this more often.

"You're scent is all over my room. Just tell me where it is and I wont hurt you."

"Liar. Get your hands off of me or.."

"Or you'll tell Esme? Go ahead." Jasper said and Edward stuck his tongue out at him.

"Oh, beating Edward within an inch of his life are we?" Carlisle asked pausing to put his arms through the sleeves of his hospital coat.

Jasper and I just smiled and nodded.

"Carry on, then." Carlisle said walking out the door to his shift at the hospital.

I often wondered why Carlisle was so calm about everything. I bet as a doctor he's got access to a stash of Mary J and smokes a nice big bowl anytime he's with his family. I wish I knew how serious a situation had to be before he broke out of his calm state and started yelling.

Jasper just looked at me and shrugged and pulled Edward outside and into the woods. I figured they wouldn't be back for a while so I settled myself onto the couch and turned on the TV.

"Just gonna sit there like a couch potato? We haven't even taken anything today and he's gone!" Emmett yelled.

"Emmett, I know that as a vampire your eyes are perfect and much better than mine. I'm right here. There's no need to YELL!" I informed him in a calm manner.

"Alright..sheesh." He said like I wasn't right about saying so.

"Emmett, you dumb fuck. He just left with _Edward_. He thinks _Edward's_ been stealing his shit. Do you think we should be stealing more of his shit if _Edward's_ with him right now?" Peter said to Einstein.

"Oh…yeah, I guess that's really smart." He agreed.

Peter picked me up off the couch and looked at Emmett. "Lay down." He said while pointing at the couch. Emmett laid down on his back but Peter wasn't having any of that. "On your stomach." Emmett rolled over so that he was laying on his stomach and Esme came into the living room from the kitchen that was facing the couch.

"Carlisle didn't have to work after all today, children. He'll be home very soon. Emmett dear, don't break that couch. I'm quite fond of it." Then she disappeared again into the kitchen.

"Rose! Char! Come here please!" Peter yelled at the ceiling and they popped up immediately.

"Yes Marty McFly?" Rose asked Peter. I can't believe I didn't notice the ugly bindbreaker he was wearing identical to Marty McFly's from the movie Back To The Future.

He moved to sit on Emmett's back. "Come get on me."

Rosalie looked at Charlotte like she wasn't sure if Peter was insane and serious or just insane.

"Yeah, Sweetie. He's serious."

Rosalie moved and sat on the back of Emmett's legs with her left shoulder touching Peter's right. Charlotte laid across both of their laps and I just watched because this was some seriously strange shit. What the hell is this about?

I turned on my heel to leave but Peter stopped me. "Where do you think you're going, sweetie? Come on over here and join in." I looked at him like he was crazy and maybe he had found Carlisle's stash but decided that since I really had nothing better to do I might as well join in. Besides, nobody likes to be left out, right?

I moved closer but could find no alternative so I just laid on top of Charlotte like we were gonna get jiggy with it but we actually weren't. Thinking that made me realize that being around Emmett and not Edward had turned my mind into a wasteland of sarcasm and crude humor. Pushing my thought away, Esme walked in with a camera and said, "Say cheese, darlings!" We did and she snapped a shot of us and just left again back into the kitchen that was very sexist apparently as only the women went in there on a daily basis.

Just then Carlisle walked in and looked at us while taking his coat back off and hanging it up. "Oh, dog pile on Emmett, yes?" We all just smiled and nodded. "Carry on, then" He said and walked upstairs to smoke more marijuana probably.

As Edward limped in the house he looked at me and asked in a sad voice, "What are you doing in that position with Charlotte?"

"Papa's getting lucky." Peter told him with a smirk.

Edward just closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Then he opened them and went upstairs as Jasper walked in. He took one look at us all and said, "Is Papa getting' lucky?"

Peter nodded and Jasper turned the TV on to watch it on one of the seat chairs.


	7. GO CHARLOTTE!

**Hey you guys! As a rule, I never update without listening to music while I write. This is NOT why I haven't updated. I haven't updated because I suck. That's the only truth I can give you. Sorry. Also I've been sucking in school. Not that that has anything to do with anything… I'm just putting it out there. **

**Anyways, IDK if anyone even reads this shit.. but I think it'd be cool if I gave a few SHOUT OUTS. **

**To those who favorited me as an AUTHOR: (thanks for your patience.. o.O)**

**Cathyjes, Miss Rosalita Mary Whitlock, Native Moon, Jemmett, JenGlasgow, peyj, TeAm-WoLf-PaCk13, freakyfairy1987, Professor Badass ( ****sweet name, btw.), heathermea (ESPECIALLY), NC-MjR-FanForLife**

**To those who put me on AUTHOR ALERT: Miss Rosalita Mary Whitlock, Native Moon, Devon Stone, freakyfairy1987, heathermea, bubblegum black**

**Thanks. Much Love. I have all your names written down because I'm creepy like that. ;D **

**( GO CHARLOTTE!)**

"Do you think you're funny Miss Bella?" He asked, gripping my upper arms causing my hands to rest just below his shoulders by reflex.

"No, Major Whitlock, sir." I said as innocently as possible.

His eyes grew darker and I wondered if I angered him by using his old name but was quickly assured that everything was just fine and dandy between us as his eyes lightened back to that golden color with flecks of black and he stepped closer but not as close as I thought he would.

"I think you better straighten up your act, Miss Swan. If you think stalking people around their own home if humorous, you should be aware of what you might see.." He said seriously but entirely joking at the same time.

Why is it always left and right with Jasper? There's never left OR right. There's always both… or neither… but there's no middle ground. There's no set in stone answer but there's no hidden message either. It's obvious, maybe too obvious, what's going on. That's probably why I can't see it. I only see hidden messages. I'm a crossword wiz, I'm a pro at riddles, and would even go as far as to say the Jesus of decoding, but for some odd reason I could never see the bunny cloud or the cell phone on the table right in front of me.

"I was _not _stalking." I defended myself. He raised an eyebrow. The one with the scar right above it. The scar I almost touched the other night when I was watching him like a total creeper. "I was merely…marauding in your footsteps."

He laughed. He let go of my arms and just stood there laughing. I walked away to the sexist kitchen only to find my favorite mother in the whole wide world there. Not that I don't love my own mother, I do. It's just that, honestly, she's lacking in the mother department.

"Hi Esme." I greeted her.

"Hello dear. What has you here in the kitchen?" The Kitchen? Pfft, yeah. This was the woman form of a Man Cave.

"Just a bit of.. diversity I suppose." I responded trying to politely word that her son sucked at the moment.

"Diversity? Of what sort?" She questioned.

"Well I've had enough of the men around here for a few minutes. I'd like to have a lady's company for a bit." I said sounding like I really wanted to talk to her, but in actuality, I just wasn't ready to be near Jasper right now.

"Oh, excellent! I'm a lady and I'd love to have your company. What shall we do?"

"We can… What is there to do for the women in this house to do?"

"Oh lots of things! We… well we… Rose likes to build cars-"

"As long as we're in the sexist kitchen, I'd like to point out that that's men's work."

"Well Alice-"

"Is soul searching right now.."

Just then Carlisle appeared out of thin air. He just stood there like a statue. A hot, fatherly statue. God, I've become such a creep. I guess since my "boyfriend" is well over the limit of pedophilia I just haven't seemed to care these days. I'm 18 years old anyways. That's legal. Who cares anyways? Who's judging me?.. Besides me? Who's judgment matters besides mine? No ones..

"Carlisle, dear, what is something Bella and I can do as women and enjoy ourselves thoroughly?"

"You cook."

"I've already eaten only a few minutes ago."

"Well, you've certainly made this hard Isabella." She said while smiling at me fondly. "I know! We could go out and have fun. Do you think you'd like that?"

"Sure. Do you think anyone else wants to go?" I asked looking at Carlisle. He quickly retreated.

"I'd like to go, if at all possible, Esme." Charlotte said sweetly standing where Carlisle had been a second earlier.

"And me too." Rose said from right next to her.

"You mean_us_, Rosie.We'll go too, Esme."

"And us." Peter said with a smile; his arm over Jasper's shoulder and Jasper's arm on top of his. Their brotherly joy made me wonder what was so fun that I missed out on. I was tired of missing fun because of Gayward. I wanted to have fun with Papa Peter and Jasper.

"Fantastic. How shall we go?" Esme said beaming.

"Peter and Char with Rosie and I in my Jeep. Jazz, you, and Bella in Carlisle's Mercedes."

When everyone nodded their assent to this seating plan, no one said that Rose was just as big a shopaholic as Alice, although she had better taste in my opinion and wasn't nearly as much of a domineering power shopper as Alice. On the ride home, Jasper drove and I rode shotgun. Poor Esme was stuck in the backseat buried under a seemingly endless pile of clothes. I literally couldn't see her whenever I looked back to see if she was okay.

I started to wonder is a giraffe would jump out of the backseat pile when we pulled up to the Cullen's mansion. Possibly, the giraffe would have been followed by a small population of starving orphans that scattered towards the forest outside of the car and then Esme popped her head up out of the clothes and giggled.

"Are you okay, Esme?" I asked, worried, despite her vampirism that she may have been harmed deep in the depths of that fashion wasteland.

"Just fine, dear."

Carlisle appeared at the front door and walked at a brisk human pace towards the backseat door and opened it. He pushed the clothes aside as he helped his wife out of the car. How sweet! He's like 3 billion years old and they're the sweetest, most adorable couple ever.

Rose grabbed a bag from the backseat and Emmett got the rest. The pile even looked intimidating in his huge arms. They went on their merry way as Peter and Charlotte walked in front of the Mercedes holding hands and at least 3 bags each in their other hand.

I looked over at Jasper at the same time that he looked at me and we just laughed.

Three stories above us, Edward opened his bedroom window and bellowed, "I'm _TRYING_ to listen to Nocturnes In Eb!"

Jasper looked at him and said, "Get bent."

I suppose the Esme had just went inside as Carlisle was left standing waiting for us to get the hell out of his car but I jumped when his voice said from 5 feet away from my door, "Arguing long distance are we?" Jasper and I nodded. "Carry on then." He said while walking back into the house. What a strange man.

I walked inside after Carlisle and Jasper followed but passed me as I went to the living room and he went upstairs to chat with Edward. As I was sitting next to Peter watching the boring ass news, Edward tumbled down every stair until finally coming to a stop by the coffee table. I immediately stood up to get my drink and sat back down.

"You little fuck! You think you're funny? This is getting ridiculous. This is child's play. I'll end your worthless fucking life." Jasper said seething at Edward.

"What have I done now?" Edward whined in a voice straight out of the "Children That Need Attention" handbook.

Jasper tossed Edward out the open front door. "Don't come back inside until I say you can." As he walked back upstairs I got a text from the wonderfully beautiful Charlotte.

"**I took his clothes. It probably stings extra worse because we were just at the mall and he didn't buy and clothes. XD – Charlotte"**

I felt so proud of her I texted back immediately.

"**GO CHARLOTTE! – Bella"**

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